I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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