Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
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