Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
