does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
