I think im going to throw up on grandma
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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