I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
