I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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