i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
