someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
