she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
