Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
