It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Rumble strips road head = magical
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
