im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
