I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
