The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
