i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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