hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
