So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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