I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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