I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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