also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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