No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
