I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
