I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
