Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
How does one acquire holy water?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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