why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
