Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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