after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A bitchslap is in order.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
