She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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