Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
