i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
