Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
