dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
