Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Betty ford says i'm here all night
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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