I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
