I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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