Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
