dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
even my farts smell like vagina
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
