I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
