I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
