I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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