What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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