i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
