So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He? As in you personified your dick?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
