Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
