I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
then he tried to convert me to islam
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
