seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
