So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
