You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
