I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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