to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
