just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
