if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
